How do I talk to my partner about anal sex?

The easy answer is the tried and true solution: communication is the key to having anal sex. You need to make your partner understand that you like the idea of having anal sex, that you would like to put it into practice and that you wouldn’t do anything that may hurt her. Achieving the right approach is very important because it might just make the difference between a “Why not?” answer and the “You sick bastard!” answer. Think about which of these two answers you’d like to hear from your lady and act accordingly.

One of the best ways of educating yourselves on anal sex is to buy one or two books and read them together with your partner. Of course, you need to bring up the issue before buying books, because it would look a bit strange if you suddenly whipped one out. Maybe mention it during a conversation on fantasies and ways to improve your sex life. Make her a trade: anal sex for whatever fantasy she wants to try. New territory is always exciting, especially in sex, and you might have a big surprise learning that she’s not all that opposed to anal sex. Still, it’s all in how you bring it up.

Whether you have some previous experience with anal sex or not, one thing is clear: when the words “anal sex” are spoken you and her will think of very different things. Chances are you’ll think “Nice and tight!!!”, while she will focus on “Dirty AND Painful!”. This difference in looking at the issue will extend down to every detail. You are probably going to worry about condoms and lubrication and she will wonder whether anal sex will cause hemorrhoids or anal fissures. What you should do is to try and understand all her worries and to find the proper solutions to her problems.

So educate yourself about anal sex and use a relaxed, yet eager attitude. If she says no, accept the answer and try again later. If she says yes, don’t start hollering and jumping around the room. Be cool and try to identify her fears and worries; just because she said yes, it doesn’t mean that she is 100 percent cool about it. She’s probably thinking “Well, it can’t be that bad” and you need to work hard to get her to the proper “Hey, this sounds fun!” attitude.

And another very important thing is to refrain from appearing too anxious to do it. You need to help her build confidence and that’s not going to happen if you’re being pushy about the subject. She will only think that you are insensitive or, worse, untrustworthy. Since anal sex gives full control to the man, the lady depends on you and has to be very confident that you would not do anything to hurt her. A pushy man that wants to rush things is not likely to make a woman trust him because he looks like he might do anything and not even apologize later.

• Anal sex myths
• Safe anal sex

Safe anal sex

So you have your heart set on anal sex and are dying to bring this subject about in a conversation with your lady just to see where you stand. Who knows, maybe she’ll be open to the idea of trying a little anal play? At the very least, you hope she’ll refrain from throwing you out the door. But there is something you can do that may increase your chances of having a reasonable talk about anal sex instead of a swift and utter rejection: information. You need to know nearly all there is to know about anal sex and you need to be able to answer her every question.

Be careful about health hazards

Starting with the basics, the first advice anybody would give you is to be careful about health hazards. First and foremost, your lady must keep a clean anus and rectum. Enemas are great before anal sex, although a simple shower is likely to be enough if the lady in question has the proper hygiene habits. A very good idea is to take a shower together before sex and start your path toward anal sex by delicately washing your lady’s bottom. She’ll appreciate the gesture, while you’ll appreciate the feeling of reassurance. You will want to repeat this delightful ritual after the anal session.

You need to be able to put her fears to rest

What you need is to come across as fully informed and ready to take into account her objections to this or that aspect of anal sex. You need to be able to put her fears to rest. Naturally, she will try to do her own independent research into this issue, but that should not keep you from becoming quite the little expert on anal sex. A thorough knowledge of the issue will impress her and, coupled with a suitable self-assured attitude, will give the impression that you know what you’re doing despite the fact that it will probably be the first time you’re penetrating an anus.

Relaxation and patience

The third point on the list is relaxation and patience. Relaxation is something the lady should try to achieve before and during anal sex. Apprehension, anxiety and fear are not going to help the situation. Correctly performed anal sex will cause only brief pain and, sometimes, no pain at all. So ladies should learn to relax their anus, while men should learn to be very patient. It all starts with a finger covered by a condom and a liberal amount of lubrication going slowly into the anus, pausing at every knuckle to let the anus adjust to the feeling and stretching.

Safety aspects

And since we’re on the subject, never take your penis out of the anus and stick it into the vagina without cleaning it first. Infections have no positive role in your life together. For that matter, you should never attempt anal penetration without a condom. The rectum was not designed for penetration and friction. Its walls are not covered with the kind of tissue found in the vagina and there is no lubrication inside. This also means that you should never pump in and out as fast as you can, unless you’re asking for trouble.

Unfortunately, not even a condom can prevent the damage that anal sex causes to the inside of the rectum, but using a lot of lubrication and a condom is far better than the naked penis. Moreover, not using a condom exposes your penis to urethral infection from the various bacteria thriving in the rectum. So whether you’re sticking a finger or your penis up the anus, make sure it’s covered by a condom or a small sheet of latex.

After the anus is sufficiently stretched that the said finger slides easily in and out, you can move up to two fingers and, finally, to the penis. The process is not complicated, but you have to be very patient. Always remember that hurrying is very likely to cause injuries. With all these facts in mind you can hold your own in a conversation and patiently explain how anal sex can be made very safe and pain-free. Have fun.

• Anal sex myths
• How do I talk to my partner about anal sex?

Anal sex myths

Among all sexual practices that are allowed in polite conversation, anal sex is by far the least known and understood. There is still a thick layer of myths surrounding anal sex that obscure the simple facts and promote ideas and attitudes which should not belong in this century. Surveys show that one in four women has tried anal sex at least once and still many women refuse to even consider the idea of getting even more pleasure out of their bodies. Currently anal sex is struggling with the “red-headed step child” position inherited from oral sex, while moving slowly, but surely, toward mainstream recognition.

Is it dirty?

The most common myth about the anus is that it’s very dirty. We are all taught since our early years that the anus is a threat to our health and that any contact with it must be followed by a thorough washing. No wonder that many people reject anal sex without bothering to understand it. They are convinced that the anus is something irrevocably dirty that could never be involved in sex. However, a simple look around is enough to convince anybody that we’re living in an age where hygiene is better than ever. Anybody who follows the normal hygiene rules ought to have a clean anus. And one can always resort to an enema for extra cleaning.

“Anal sex causes hemorrhoids!”

Have you ever heard this? Many women believe that anal sex can cause hemorrhoids or worse: fissures and tears in the anus. This goes hand in hand with the myth that anal sex can cause incontinence. While it’s true that nobody wants to spend the rest of his or her life wearing adult dippers, it must be said that anal sex cannot cause incontinence. It doesn’t matter to your body whether things are going in or out of the anus. Anal incontinence is caused either by severe damage to the muscles and nerves or by the brain’s failure to control the body. None of this happens because of anal sex.

The idea of perverted act

Another huge objection to anal sex stems from the idea that it is a perverted act, an unnatural concept that has no place in the lives of decent people. Frankly, anal sex has been around for centuries and no, it wasn’t just something the Greeks did. This century does not have a monopoly on imagination and experimenting with one’s body and people from other cultures and other times had discovered long ago that anal sex is fine. The bottom line is that it’s your body and your decision. If you think anal sex is unnatural, then don’t do it.

“Anal sex is painful!”

Well, the anus is tight, which means that anal sex is bound to hurt a lot each and every time, right? Wrong. First, everyone who wants to try anal sex should educate him or herself about all its aspects in order to avoid pain. Lubrication and condoms should take care of the skin-on-skin friction, while patience will allow the anus to relax enough to receive a penis. Even a big one. More often than not, if anal sex hurts, you are doing something wrong. Probably not using enough lubrication or pushing too fast.

"Anal sex is something only homosexual do"

And finally, the last common objection is the idea that anal sex is something only homosexuals do. This is simply ridiculous. Across the centuries men and women have enjoyed anal sex without the slightest hint of homosexuality. Not to mention that many homosexuals simply refuse to have anal sex because they don’t like it. There is no link between anal stimulation and homosexuality. Ultimately, it all comes down to choices. If you don’t want to engage in anal sex, then don’t. Just be sure you’re making an informed decision instead of resorting to a knee-jerk reaction to something you don’t understand.

• Safe anal sex
• How do I talk to my partner about anal sex?